1 month left

It will be exactly one month left before I enter National Service. Its been an eventful few months and I don’t regret any of those days. I watched almost all 9 seasons of “How I Met Your Mother” and I can understand why it is one of the most highly rated television series of all time. I recently worked a one day job at the Singapore Cruise Centre and it was really stressful. Having to deal with so many passengers at once and trying to accede to their requests really tested my patience and ability. However, it is an experience which I will never forget. It really made me appreciate hard work and the reward at the end of it is really fulfilling.

Watching my friends apply for university really made me think of what I’d like to do in the future. Right now, I really feel that I would want to work with animals. I had always wanted a dog but my parents never agreed to that idea. Their reasoning was that it was too expensive and too much of a responsibility for me and my brothers to handle. As I think about it now, the thought of spending every day taking care of different kinds of animals sounds really appealing. However, being a zookeeper does not really pay highly and I would have to think of the long term.

Right now, all my friends have moved on with their lives. Most of them whom I used to hang out with last year have all started an important year of junior college and I don’t speak to them anymore. I’m guessing we all have to move on and maybe someday we’ll all reunite again. I still have my close friends and I am really thankful that God has placed them in my life and kept them close, helping me in many different ways. Although I don’t see them often, I know they will always be there for me.

One month of freedom left before I go off to National Service to start a new phase of my life. Right now, I am hitting the gym every day to condition myself for army life. Hopefully, I will grow into a more mature person that can handle emotions well. Hopefully, I find myself and what I would really want to do in life. I am really looking forward to this.

 

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Insomnia?

I’ve been having trouble sleeping every night. It takes a really long time for me to sleep, and I don’t know why. My mind is so active, constantly replaying scenes or visualizing unrealistic events. Probably due to too much Japanese anime LOL. I went back to watching naruto, one of the most popular Japanese animes to date. The fight between naruto and sasuke has been put off for far too long.

I also finally got back to working out. It was tough doing push-ups again, and hopefully I’ll have the discipline to maintain this. Tomorrow I’ll do cardio and leg day. 

Yesterday, I had finally played a match with my football team. We lost 4-2, after leading 2-0 in the first half. As the captain, I felt helpless that our team broke down so easily. It’s just really demoralising knowing that you tried your best and your team wasn’t on the same page as you. I felt like an absolute failure after the game. I was mad at myself, mad at not being able to control my team. Not being able to step up when they needed me the most. I did not have the stamina to continue fighting all the way.

I know what to do now. I will train and push myself to my absolute limits every day until our next match. This time, I’m determined. In Singapore, 2016 ends in about 21 hours. Although it has been a shitty year, 2017 will be a year where I’ll become stronger, smarter, quicker and wiser in all the aspects of my life.

I won’t give up anymore.

Finding myself.. Or creating myself?

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve turned 18, fell out with friends and made new ones, rediscovered my love for football and experienced the luxury of drinking alcohol legally. However, I go to sleep every night feeling empty and lost. There’s no direction in my life and I do not have a long term goal to aim for. I just feel really lonely and directionless, and there’s not really anyone to talk to. There is my best friend, but somehow I feel I just gotta do this on my own. My parents would be hard to talk to. They just do not understand how I feel and they are more interested in telling me what to do than letting me find my own way.

As I type, I’m listening to “Gotta Go My Own Way” by Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron from High School Musical. Its an old song, but it just tugs on my heartstrings every time. The lyrics relate to me so much, and probably to most of you too. Today is actually my best friend’s birthday, and I’m so thankful to have known him for 6 years. He has helped me through my worst days, helping me all the way. He has always been there, and I honestly thank God that He has blessed me with such a wonderful friend. He told me this today: “Most people aim to find themselves, but I decide to create who I want to be.” Do we create the person that we want to be, or do we spend time waiting to find ourselves? What does finding ourselves even mean? How do we know when we have truly “found” ourselves?

Hopefully I’ll find the answer along the way. Life has only just begun, and I can only look forward to see what is waiting for me in the future. Thank you all for reading my post, and for following my small little blog where I share my feelings. Thank you for helping me reach 10 followers, and I hope to blog as often as possible.

National service 

It’s a few months of freedom left before I go into national service. The thought of being drafted scares me tbh. I can’t deny this. The thought of being constricted and scrutinised in everything I do makes me worried. I have to worry about making correct decisions every day otherwise I’ll get screwed over by the sergeants. But every 18 year old male in Singapore has to go through this shit. I believe that I’ll become a better man coming out of national service. Braver, more loyal and more decisive. Hopefully, national service will help me attain these qualities. In the meantime, I’m studying and training hard everyday. It’s difficult waking up every morning and doing the same thing over and over again. I seriously cannot wait to get through 2016. It’s so ironic that I’m not looking forward to NS next year and yet I can’t wait for my studies this year to end. Thankfully, I have many friends beside me supporting me throughout. Be it social media or irl, they all support me one way or another through laughter or encouragement. The thought of graduating keeps me going every moment. I’m really looking forward to all the fun I’m going to have at the end of the year. Right now, I have a great friend that supports me emotionally when I go to her house on Saturdays. Even though she may be a little asshole and annoying piece of shit sometimes, I do quite enjoy our time together. Although I’ll never say it to her out loud, she’s really cute when she cares about people. But when she doesn’t, it’s a real turn off.

Hopefully the next time I blog I’ll become a happier man.

Real Friends

Every day, I grow a single day older. Every day, I learn and experience new things. I learn more about the people around me, about the world. I begin to see hearts who are genuine and others that are rotting day by day. Friends who I thought were real friends turn out to be frauds. Flaws in character are exposed and I see them exposed in broad daylight.

I thought that I had found some friends that I would be hanging out with 10, 20 years down the road. It just wasn’t meant to be. Being let down over and over again sucks. I trusted them and they let it down. They look down on me after all I’ve done for them. Is it wrong to expect more from them? Yes, friends have disagreements. However, this is different. Realising that a friend does not even have the basic respect for you hurts really bad. He treats you as a source of entertainment, not a friend. He treats you as an object, a stepping stone to what he wishes to achieve.

Now that he’s there, he does not give a flying shit about you. He thinks he’s above the rest, that respect towards him is something that is rightful, even though he has done nothing to earn that. I could call this a sense of betrayal. This one “friend” who has made me unable to trust anyone wholeheartedly, knowing that anyone has the power to crush your heart.

However, I have also discovered real genuine friends who only want the best for you. Maybe just one. Don’t underestimate this one friend of yours who sticks by your side. This friend of mine I’ve known for only a year, and yet he’s helped me improve so much. Recently, we’ve been through a crisis together and its helped both of us get so much stronger. I am really thankful for this one friend. This shows that time does not matter when it comes to real friends. You could be friends with a person for 10 years, and yet feel closer to a person you’ve known for a week. I call this a miracle.

I’ve gotta learn how to let go of people who’ve let me down time and time again. Otherwise I’ll never move on to greater things, greater relationships with new people in the future. This wound within me shall heal.

Asking girls out

Valentine’s day was a few days ago and I was part of the “single guys staying at home being lonely and acting like they don’t care” club. Thank God I don’t have many Instagram followers that are in a relationship. The NBA All-Star Weekend was there to distract most guys so yay.

I tried to ask a few girls out one-on-one recently and I’ve kinda had mixed responses. Mostly bad. I’ve asked 5 girls out and only one of them agreed to go out. The other 4 agreed at first but changed their minds at the last minute. It kinda sucks because they know its purely friendship and I didn’t have any ulterior motives like spiking their drinks and selling them off to another country. The reasons didn’t even matter to me because I just took no for the answer and moved on.

Its no big deal asking girls out in the first place. However, when you get rejected too many times, you just get discouraged after awhile. I still have my football friends which I’m extremely grateful for. No matter what, they’re still guys and every guy needs women in their lives. I guess the only solution I have now is to go out and meet new people. I have no problems making new friends with guys. With girls, its tough but it takes time and effort.

I ain’t gonna give up though. 1 out of 5 girls is better than none. I’ll take that as a positive step towards achieving greatness with people. This is just a nice way of putting it LOL. Guys, don’t give up when girls reject you. If you keep trying, one of them will eventually say yes.

Chinese New Year 2016

Hey guys its been a long time. I’ve been rushing to finish my schoolwork for 2015 and haven’t had time to blog. Now that 2015 is over, 2016 has been great so far. It was an accomplishment to finish my 2015 work on time and this year’s gonna be even tougher. Its my last year of studies for homeschooling and I’ll probably enter National Service in August-November.

My family and I celebrated Chinese New Year a few days ago and as usual, the only thing I was looking forward to was the red packets. Chinese tradition is to give red packets to singles and children as a form of blessing. I feel kinda rusty blogging right now as I haven’t been blogging for a really long time. I hope that I can get back to blogging and it’ll be one of my New Year resolutions.

I caught up with most of my relatives and most of them just looked the same even though I see them once a year. It feels fake knowing that most of the greetings exchanged among them are all a formality. After the first day, they’ll all go their separate ways again. All the small talk and pretentious smiles all make me feel kinda sick. I’m not saying all of them are not sincere, but there’s always a minority that I observed from sitting on the couch and being antisocial apart from interacting with my cousins.

I really hope 2016 will be a good year and I will continue blogging consistently. I hope all of you have a great year ahead of you. If you haven’t started on your goals, now’s not too late. Show some love to friends and family. Cherish them well. You never know what will happen in the future.

Cheers.

 

2015

2015 has been a great year for some, horrible for many others. 2015 has taught me many life lessons, and I’ve had great experiences with myself and others. I’ve made many new friends and learnt more about myself as a person. I would say I have matured more. I have become a more emotional person, and I see things rather differently compared to 2014.

One of the great highlights of 2015 would probably be playing for my soccer team. I’ve grown closer to my teammates and my soccer skills have improved… to a certain extent. Scoring my first goal for the team was one of the best feelings ever. Most importantly, being able to play matches with my teammates was awesome. I would love to thank them in person for all this, but we guys just aren’t the sentimental type.

Joining the new gym was also another great experience. I’ve gotten stronger physically and mentally. I have a long way to go in achieving the body that I desire, but that journey will continue in 2016. Completing my first 10km marathon was also a milestone in my life that I will remember for the rest of my life.

A little quote that I adopted from a Chinese drama serial states this: “When you enjoy the time you spend with someone, that means you like that person. When you don’t enjoy the time you spend with that someone and yet you still want to spend time with him or her, this is called love.” Love is that one thing that I lack in my life currently, and I am still waiting for the one. 2015 has brought me closer to the feeling of love, and how it is like to experience that feeling. However, its just not meant to be yet. I hope that in 2016, I will find that person that is the right one for me. Seeing couples enjoying their time together creates this feeling of jealousy within me, and I have got to get rid of it.

2015 is also the year which I started this blog. This blog has helped me get through shitty days, and it provided a platform to share my thoughts with you guys from around the world. This unknown random teenager is happy to know that people around the world read his blog and I’m genuinely thankful to you guys who follow me and read my posts.

Although 2016 is a year which I have to grow up and face the world like a man, I’m nervous and hesitant. Yet, I know I must push myself to become a better person. I must embrace myself and be confident that I can overcome any problems with the help of God and my family. I hope you guys had a wonderful 2015 and the door to 2016 is now open for you to go and explore yourself and the world.

If 2015 was a year which you did not get to do the things you want, its not too late to start now. Let’s make 2016 an unforgettable year!

 

We always fall in love with people we can’t have

The title speaks for itself. I read this quote on Twitter a few days back and it just hit me today how true this statement really is. When we are unable to get something that we want, the more obsessed we become with obtaining that piece of item that we sometimes forget ourselves in the process.

A few days back, I wrote a post regarding this girl I met. I arranged a meeting cum date with her yesterday, unknowingly that this meeting was going to be quite surprising. “Surprising” is the mildest word that I can find to describe this forthcoming meeting. I met her at McDonalds and we hit it off. I more than enjoyed talking to her. I have never felt so at ease talking to a girl and the more I fell in love with this new person I have discovered in my life. We had the most enriching conversations and I got to know plenty more about her and her life.

Here comes the problem. She mentioned to me about a month ago in camp that she was taken. I did not take her seriously back then because she was rather flippant about it. When I met her again yesterday, we talked and talked. Somehow, the conversation led to her boyfriend. I wanted to confirm that she was in a relationship, and I found that it was real. Turns out her boyfriend was also the captain of her school’s soccer team. What a real coincidence because I am also captain of my soccer team, and yet I feel so empty.

At this point in time, I just had 4 hours of sleep and I wake up to write this post. Finally I met someone that I could absolutely hit off with, and yet I can’t do anything else. I cannot advance and move on to the next step. All we can do is stay as friends. It feels helpless to be stuck in the friendzone, and although we’ve hit it off amazingly with great chemistry, its just not meant to be. I was just a tad too late in knowing her. If I had met her last year or the year before, we might have started something.

Right now, the only thing I can do is go running. Sprinting. Sprint all the pain away. Because this hurts like bitch.

Feeling like shit

At this moment I haven’t thought of a title for this post yet. Its been a long time since I’ve posted and its not something I’m proud of. A lot of things have happened since the last post and today is a rather significant day. Today gave me inspiration to write.

I met this girl from church camp a few weeks back. I found her fun to talk to, and we kinda hit it off. Even after camp I continued talking to her and we went out once with a couple of other friends. Today, however, she told me over text that I “treat pretty girls as jokes”. It hit me hard. Usually, I don’t receive such bluntness from anyone. It was the first time and I felt like absolute dog poop. At first, it was disbelief. When she asked if I was mad, I wasn’t. I just felt crappy and demoralised and depressed along with thousands of other synonyms in the dictionary. I decided not to think of anything for awhile and I spent the whole afternoon studying, distracting myself.

On the way home, I reflected. I strolled along the neighbourhood trying to figure out if this statement was true. After some hard thinking, I went through the facts over and over again. I use this topic of pretty or hot girls as conversation topics almost every time when I am talking to my guy friends. Using these girls as jokes? Well yeah it was true to a certain extent. Even now, I still cannot come to any sort of conclusion. I questioned myself, “Do I treat girls as tools or human beings?” I’d really like to think not.

The fact is this girl I met has this current impression of me. What about the other girls that I’m gonna meet in the future? What about the current friends that I have? Do they all think that I’m gonna treat them like tools to get what I want?

I felt like scum. I feel like I am in the same league as murderers and rapists for giving girls the impression that I treat them as tools and stepping stones for my own personal success. I felt like shit. I still feel like shit.